


Hold The Phone

by sushigal007



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Fake Episode, Gen, Humor, Illustrated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 05:48:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10656183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sushigal007/pseuds/sushigal007
Summary: Based on a prompt posted by the Fake Steven Universe Episodes Tumblr: With Pearl and Garnet out on a special mission, Amethyst introduces Steven to the art of prank calling. While unsure about the morality of it at first, Steven later comes to enjoy it and the two continue at the barn, where Peridot and Lapis get involved in the fun. But Peridot crosses the line when she tries to impress Amethyst by stealing the phone and prank calling Pearl in the middle of her mission with Garnet. Now Pearl teams up with Amethyst for their own prank call for Peridot to teach her a lesson.Cross-posted from FF.net.





	Hold The Phone

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure - no offense to the OP, but the synopsis for this fake episode actually kind of annoyed me, for the same reason Too Far annoys me - Amethyst encourages bad behaviour in Peridot, right up until it affects her personally, and then she gets angry at her for not knowing why the same behaviour she earlier applauded is actually harmful. And despite the fact that she genuinely didn't know any better, Peridot is the one who is made to feel bad and apologise, and Amethyst's part in it is completely ignored.
> 
> Anyway, I can't do anything about Too Far, but I can do something about this…

Steven was standing in front of the fridge, contemplating his breakfast choices, when he heard the temple door open and turned to see the Crystal Gems step into the room. "Morning!"

"Hey." Amethyst hopped up onto a stool and tilted her head. "Whatcha doing?"

"Deciding what to eat." He waved a hand at the fridge. "There's too many options for me to choose! Do I want eggs? Do I want waffles? Cereal? Or yoghurt?"

"Scooch over," she said at once, and slid right back off the seat. "I'll make you something. Eliminate the pressure of choice."

"Thanks," he said with relief, and stepped aside to look at Garnet and Pearl, who were talking together quietly, their faces serious. "What's up?"

"Ah, Steven." Pearl looked slightly anxious. "Garnet and I have to go away for a few days, We're just trying to work out what to do-"

"I already told you, I can take care of him," Amethyst interrupted, tipping cheese and milk into a bowl. "Plus Steven's a pretty sensible kid. There's no need to bring Greg into this."

" _Steven's_ not the one I'm so worried about," Pearl muttered under her breath.

Before Amethyst could take offence, Steven quickly spoke up. "Why do you have to go? Is it a mission? Why can't I come?"

"It's a mission," Garnet confirmed. "There's a gem artefact causing trouble in Great Britain. But as there's no warp pad there, we're going to have to travel across mainland Europe to get there and it could take us some time." She adjusted her shades slightly. "I suppose we could take the Ruby spaceship, but it is a little conspicuous. And we're still not entirely comfortable piloting it."

Steven nodded at that, but there was still something that he found slightly puzzling. "Not that I don't mind hanging out with you, but why aren't you going too?" he asked Amethyst.

"I'm banned," she said simply.

"Banned?" He blinked in confusion. "What, from _Britain_?"

"Yup," she said cheerfully, looking completely unfazed. "Got a lifetime ban in 1973 for breaking some old rock."

"That 'old rock' happened to be Stonehenge," Pearl said sternly, crossing over to the warp pad.

Amethyst shrugged. "I still don't see what the big deal was. I replaced it, didn't I?"

"With _Avebury_!"

"What's Avebury?" Steven butted in.

"It _was_ a Neolithic henge," Pearl explained.

"You mean, a bunch of old rocks just standing around," Amethyst muttered, pouring cereal into the bowl.

"Now it's mostly a ditch," Garnet added, joining Pearl on the warp pad. "Anyway, we shouldn't be longer than three days, so be good."

"I will," Steven promised.

"I didn't mean you," Garnet said dryly.

"Dude, we'll be _fine_ ," Amethyst insisted, making shooing motions towards her team mates. "Go, go already! And bring me back a jar of Marmite!"

They watched as the two eldest members of the Crystal Gems vanished, and then Amethyst turned back to the task at hand, tossing a few more ingredients into the bowl before she tipped the entire lot into a pan and popped a waffle into the toaster. A few minutes later, she poured the mixture onto the waffle and presented the plate to Steven with a flourish. "Tada!"

"Thanks!" Steven picked up a fork and made to stab at his breakfast, but then a second look at the plate before him made him pause. "Uh… what is it?"

"It's my special mega-breakfast combo!" Amethyst said happily. "A waffle topped with a cheesy omelette, mixed with chocolate rice puffs, topped with strawberry yoghurt. All the things you wanted!"

"Riiiight," he said slowly, trying to work out the best way to decline the meal. "Um, it looks-" _like sick,_ his brain whispered. "There's quite a lot," he said instead. "I don't think I can manage all this."

"Just eat what you can then," Amethyst urged him.

She watched as he very, very carefully scooped up a small serving of yoghurt and popped it into his mouth. Then he put the fork down and patted his stomach. "Wow, that was really filling, thanks!"

Amethyst sighed. "Dude, you don't have to patronise me. I know I don't always get human food right, you can tell me if it sucks."

"It's pretty bad," he admitted. "I mean, I like all of these foods separately, but they kind of clash when they're all together."

"Got it." She nodded solemnly. "I'll remember for next time. Do you want to order a pizza instead?"

"Sure." He got up and tipped the mess into the bin while Amethyst picked up his phone and dialled the number for Fish Stew Pizza.

"Yeah, hi, I need to order a couple of pizzas," she said. "How many? Um, ten? Hang on a sec." She covered the mouthpiece and loudly whispered, "how long did they say they'd be gone for?"

"No longer than three days," Steven replied.

"Better make that twenty," she said into the phone. "Yeah. The Beach House. Cash on delivery. Thanks." She hung up and handed the phone back to Steven. "I'll wash up. Don't give me that look," she added as he raised an eyebrow at her. "I can be responsible!"

Steven's phone suddenly rang, and he was slightly puzzled to see Fish Stew Pizza pop up on the screen as the incoming caller. "Hello?"

"Hi, Steven, is that you?" Kiki Pizza's voice sounded in his ear.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"It's just, we got an order for twenty pizzas to be delivered to your place," she said a little awkwardly. "That's a little above average, so we just wanted to check it wasn't a prank order?"

"No, that's right, it's all for us," Steven confirmed. "Garnet and Pearl are away for a few days, so Amethyst is in charge."

"Ohhh." Kiki sounded a lot more relaxed now. "That explains it. All right, thanks, Steven. We just wanted to make sure. We'll have your pizzas with you as soon as possible."

"Thanks, Kiki. Bye!" He disconnected the call and then glanced up to see Amethyst staring at him, annoyance written all over her face. "What?"

"They thought it was a prank call?" She scoffed loudly. "Please, as if I'd be that obvious! Gimme that!" She snatched the phone before he could react and began dialling.

"Amethyst? What-"

She held up a finger to silence him. "Shh. I'm putting it on speaker." Her eyes gleamed with mischief as the sound of the call connecting filled the room. Steven opened and shut his mouth, not entirely comfortable with the sudden shift in atmosphere, but after a moment's thought, he decided to roll with it. He could always speak up if things turned nasty, after all.

"Hello, welcome to Fish Stew Pizza, may I take your order please?" Kiki Pizza's voice rang out.

"Yes, hello, this is the building inspector," Amethyst said in a low, gruff tone. "May I speak to Mr Wall please?"

There was a short pause. "I'm sorry, there's no Mr Wall here."

"Then may I speak to Mrs Wall instead?"

"There's no Mrs Wall either. Perhaps you have the wrong number," Kiki said politely.

"You're telling me the Walls aren't there?" Amethyst persisted.

"That's correct-" Kiki began.

"Then what's holding up your ceiling!?"

"Whu- hey!" Kiki exclaimed, but before she could say anything else, Amethyst disconnected the call and started to laugh.

Despite his earlier apprehension, Steven couldn't help giggling too. "That was pretty funny," he admitted.

Amethyst grinned, pleased that her prank had gone down well. "Want me to do another? I got some good ones."

"Umm…" Steven fidgeted slightly. On the one hand, it had been funny. But on the other hand, he knew Amethyst had a pretty nasty mean streak sometimes and he didn't really want to unleash it upon the unsuspecting residents of Beach City.

As if she'd read his mind, she held her hands up in surrender. "It's cool, we don't have to if you don't want to. But it's just a phone call, it doesn't hurt anyone."

"Well…" He nibbled his lip in thought. "Maybe just one more then."

Her eyes lit up with glee and she began dialling another number. "All right! Get ready!"

He sat back and listened intently as the call rang and then connected. "Hello, Beach Citywalk Fries, how may I help you?"

Steven tensed, recognising the voice of Fryman. Suddenly he wasn't so sure this was a good idea; somehow prank calling an adult felt like a much bigger deal than prank calling a teenager. But Amethyst, who was older than every single human in Beach City by several millennia, was completely unfazed. "Hello, this is the Delmarva State Marketing Team, we need you to answer a few questions for our local business survey."

"Oh, OK." Fryman seemed to accept this opening without question, despite having never heard of the Delmarva State Marketing Team before.

"First question," Amethyst began in an authoritative tone, "could you please tell me how many windows are in your kitchen?"

"Two."

"Uh-huh." Amethyst pretended to write this down. "Next question, what colour is your refrigerator?"

"Uh, it's just a plain, white one."

"Mm-hmm, fantastic. Right, and what colour are the sheets on your bed?"

This time, there was a short pause as Fryman tried to work out of he'd heard that correctly. "I-I'm sorry?"

"What colour are the sheets on your bed?" Amethyst repeated politely.

"Uh… orange?"

Steven stifled a snort of laughter at the man's obvious confusion, but Amethyst ignored him and continued to speak in a calm and collected tone. "Very good, that's very helpful. Now… could you tell me, what was the last furry thing you touched?"

"Excuse me!?" Now Fryman was beginning to sound annoyed. "What kind of questions are these?"

"All questions have been randomly selected from a predetermined list in order to gather the thoughts and opinions of our local businesses," Amethyst replied. "Could you please answer the question?"

"Ugh…" There was another short pause. "Well, there was a dog on the beach yesterday. I patted them. I guess that would be it."

"Lovely. And finally…" Amethyst batted her eyelashes and smiled coyly, even though he couldn't see her. "Fryman… will you marry me?"

This time Steven couldn't hold back his laughter, and Fryman, finally realising he'd been tricked, let out a stream of expletives until Amethyst hurriedly disconnected the call and cut him off. "I changed my mind anyway," she joked. "I could never kiss anyone with a mouth like that."

"That was hilarious!" Steven wheezed, holding his aching stomach.

"It's one of my favourites," Amethyst said cheerfully. "The trick is to start with sensible questions, and to not laugh too soon and give the game away."

"You were amazing." He shook his head, remembering how quickly he'd got the giggles. "I could never do anything like that!"

"Sure you could," she said encouragingly. "You wanna try one? I know loads!"

"Uh…" He felt a bead of sweat roll down his face; his one previous attempt at playing a practical joke had gone horribly, horribly wrong and he wasn't sure he wanted to try anything like that again, even over the phone. But thankfully, before he could respond, there was a knock at the door and he looked over to see Jenny at the door with a stack of pizzas almost as tall as he was.

xXxXx

"You want more pizza?" Amethyst shook a pizza box under his nose.

Steven shook his head and groaned. "I think I'm good. For the rest of the week."

Amethyst looked at the remaining seven pizzas and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I'm actually feeling a little full too. That's OK though," she added brightly. "We can save the rest for tomorrow."

"Or…" An idea was forming in Steven's mind. "Maybe we could take these over to the barn and share them with Lapis and Peridot? I mean, I don't think Peridot can eat them," he corrected, "but Lapis should be able to."

"Ehh…" Amethyst considered that suggestion for a moment. She liked Peridot well enough, but Lapis…

"And you could tell them about the prank calls," Steven added, guessing the reason for her hesitation. "Lapis would get a kick out of that."

"Yeah, right," Amethyst scoffed, but she had to admit, a wider audience to brag to would be nice, so she stood up and picked up the remaining pizza boxes. "All right, why not. Might be fun to see if they've done any more crazy morp-thingies."

Steven let out a whoop of delight and zipped over to the warp pad and a moment later, they arrived on the hill opposite the barn and began the short walk to their destination. "Ah, there they are," he said, pointing up at the truck that was jammed into the roof of the barn. "Lapis! Peridot!"

"Hi Steven," they said in unison, poking their heads over the edge. Lapis immediately flew down and landed in front of him. "What brings you here today?" she asked as Peridot vanished inside the barn, presumably to find her own way down.

"Pizza," he explained, gesturing to Amethyst's laden arms. "We're not interrupting anything, are we?"

"No, we were watching Camp Pining Hearts, but…" She trailed off.

"It's Season Five," Peridot explained, skidding to a halt next to her. "I _did_ explain that it was utterly dire and we could skip it, but she insisted upon the full Camp Pining Hearts experience."

Lapis grimaced. "Why did they set in on a beach? What was the point of that?"

Steven gave her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "Some questions just have no answers."

"I have a question and I would like an answer," Amethyst quickly interjected before the other three could complain any more about Season Five. "Would anyone like this pizza?"

"Pizza… that's food, right?" Lapis checked. "I don't think I wanna do that."

"So what am I supposed to do with all these pizzas?" Amethyst complained.

Lapis shrugged. "Make a morp?"

"Why do you have so many pizzas anyway?" Peridot asked, taking a box and peering curiously at the contents.

"That's actually a funny story!" Steven exclaimed, and while Amethyst hunted for a place to put her stack of pizzas, he quickly outlined the story of how Fish Stew Pizza had thought the order was a prank. "-and then she asked Fryman to marry her!" he finished.

Lapis let out a snort of laughter so loud that Amethyst jumped in fright. "What did he say?" she finally managed to get out between giggles.

A small smile appeared on Amethyst's face. "I'd need to shapeshift some more hands to cover ears before I can repeat any of that."

"I already heard it," Steven reminded her.

Amethyst laughed. "Oh, yeah!" The smile slid off her face. "Uh, maybe don't ever repeat any of those words in front of Pearl, OK?"

"So what exactly is the purpose of these 'prank calls'?" Peridot asked, struggling to understand.

"Eh, it's just a bit of fun," Amethyst said, waving her hand dismissively.

Peridot nodded slowly. "Like… a joke?"

"Oh! You should show us one!" Lapis suddenly gasped. "It'll be fun!"

Amethyst hesitated for a moment, half-tempted to play it cool and refuse, but Lapis's enthusiasm and approval won her over. "All right, hand it over," she said to Steven. Steven obediently handed over his phone and watched as Amethyst began dialling a number. "I'm putting it on speaker so you can hear," she explained, tapping at the screen. "But you gotta be quiet because they can hear you too."

The others nodded in understanding and waited silently as the phone rang. Then there was a click and a voice spoke up. "Beach City Visitor Centre, how may I help you?"

"Hi, this is the city telecoms engineer," Amethyst said smoothly. "We're investigating a fault on the line, I'm going to need you to repeat a couple of test phrases for me, OK?"

"Sure, I can do that," the voice replied.

"That's great." Amethyst grinned widely. "All right, repeat after me: the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."

"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," the voice said obediently.

"Uh-huh. Hold on please." Amethyst made a few quick whistles and beeps for show. "Hmm, we're going to have to do a few more tests. Can you please repeat, she sell seashells by the sea shore."

"She sells she- uh, seashells by the sea shore."

Steven let out a small snort of laughter, and Amethyst waved a warning hand at him as she carried on talking. "Mmm, nope, that won't do, I need you to repeat it perfectly."

"Uhh, OK, I'll try again. She sells… seashells on the she- uh, I mean, see shells see shells-"

Lapis began to smirk, and Steven clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his giggles as the poor soul on the end of the phone struggled through the tongue twister. "Great, that was very helpful," Amethyst said once they'd finally managed to get the words out. "Super Supreme, double pepperoni, hold the mushrooms."

"Super Supreme, double pepperoni, hold the mushrooms."

"Oh, no, I didn't need you to repeat that, I was just giving my intern my lunch order."

Lapis let out a noise that was half-bark, half snort, and Peridot started shaking with silent laughter and Amethyst quickly stabbed the speaker button. "No, that was just the equipment. Hold please." She covered up the mouthpiece and glared at the other three snickering, smirking gems. "Come on guys, keep it together! I've got one more thing I want to ask 'em."

"Sorry, sorry." Lapis bit her lip hard and valiantly rearranged her features back into her usual deadpan expression. "Carry on."

Amethyst's gaze travelled over to Peridot and Steven, who were clearly struggling, but she badly wanted to carry on, so she decided to risk it. "All right." She hit the speaker button again. "Thank you for your time, I just need you to repeat one more test phrase for me."

"Um, OK." The voice sounded a lot more apprehensive now.

"Excellent." A shark-like grin appeared on Amethyst's face. "In your own time, please repeat: new socks, two socks, whose socks, Sue's socks. Who sews whose socks? Sue sews Sue's- hello? Hello?"

The dial tone sounded loudly and so did the laughter of the other three gems. Amethyst looked a little startled, but then she began to laugh too. "They always chicken out when I get to Fox In Socks," she confided.

"That was amazing!" Lapis cackled.

Peridot nodded in agreement. "I don't think it was quite as amusing as the chicken joke, but it was funny."

"Hand it over, I wanna do one!" Lapis begged.

"Yeah?" Amethyst grinned in delight. "I really didn't think you'd be into this."

"She interrupted every line of Mayor Dewey's summer speech with fart noises," Steven confided in a loud whisper.

"Really?" Amethyst gazed at the other gem with new respect. "All right, here you go."

Lapis caught the phone and tapped it thoughtfully against her chin for a moment until inspiration struck. "Oooh, got one!" She jabbed at the screen, and everyone gathered around to listen.

"Big Donut. What?"

Steven gasped and clutched Peridot's arm as Lars' sour voice filled the air. "I don't know-" he began, but Lapis was already talking.

"Hello, this is Who Wants To Be Incredibly Rich and you have been selected to be Tammy Summer's phone-a-friend!" she said brightly. "In order for Tammy to win seventy-five thousand dollars, I need you to answer the following question: how many different species of shark are there and what are their names? You have thirty seconds!"

"Whu-whu-b-b-but-I don't even know any Tammy!" Lars spluttered.

"Twenty seconds!" Lapis sang.

"But I don't-oh God! Uh, let's see, there's hammerhead sharks, basking sharks, uh, great white, uh…" There was a small pause in which Lars' frantic breathing could be heard. "Oh! T-tiger shark! And um, nursing-"

"I'm sorry, time's up!" Lapis trilled, and turned her face away from the phone, pretending to speak across a television studio. "Oh dear, I'm so sorry, Tammy, today you are not going to be Incredibly Rich! Thank you and goodbye!"

She hung up and bowed dramatically as Amethyst and Peridot laughed and applauded. Steven pasted a fake smile on his face and clapped politely too, but it was difficult to muster up any real enthusiasm as memories of the unfortunate fire salt incident flooded into his mind. But to be fair, he told himself, Lapis had no idea about that, he really couldn't blame her. And at least Lars wasn't on fire this time. "How many kinds of shark are there, anyway?" he asked curiously.

Lapis shrugged. "I haven't the faintest idea." Then she grinned and held up the phone. "All right, who wants to go next?"

"Oooh! Me!" Peridot bounced forward and snatched the phone out of her hands. "Gather round and witness the ultimate prank telephone call!" she boasted. As requested, the others gathered round and listened as she tapped the screen.

"Hello, Cone 'n' Son," a voice on the end of the phone greeted.

Peridot winked and then took a deep breath. "Hello," she said in a formal tone. "Could I speak to Angus please?"

"Sure, I'll just transfer you over."

Peridot's eyes widened and the phone almost fell out of her hands as she fumbled to disconnect the call. "Um…"

"I don't get it," Amethyst admitted.

"Yeah, what was that?" Lapis added.

"There wasn't actually supposed to be an 'Angus' there," Peridot muttered, looking shamefaced. "I was supposed to leave a message for 'Angus' and then call back, pretend to be 'Angus', and ask for any messages. It would have been very entertaining," she added defensively.

"Hey, don't sweat it, Per," Amethyst said, giving her a slightly patronising pat on the head as she took the phone back. "Let's face it, nothing's gonna top that prank call you made to Yellow D!" And she cackled with laughter.

"That wasn't a prank call," Peridot said, looking annoyed.

"I wish I'd seen it," Lapis said wistfully.

"It was seriously epic," Amethyst confided. "Ooh, and I bet if you asked Pearl nicely, she could show you a holographic projection. Anyway!" She held the phone aloft. "My turn again!"

Peridot still looked slightly disgruntled, but she shut her mouth as Amethyst dialled another number. There was a click, and then a male voice spoke. "Hello?"

Steven's eyes widened in horror. He knew who that voice belonged to. "Amethyst, no!" he hissed, but it was too late.

"Hey baby!" Amethyst said loudly. "I love you, I've missed you so much!"

There was a brief silence, and then an audible gasp. "Jane? My Ohime-sama!? I've missed you too!"

"What!?" Amethyst puffed up in faux-outrage. "Jane!? Who the heck is Jane!?"

"Who-who is this?" Ronaldo stammered.

"What do you mean, who is this?!" Amethyst shrieked. Next to her, Lapis was crying silent tears of laughter. "How many people call you up and tell you they love you!?"

"But-I don't-what-"

Steven could feel his entire body cringe as Ronaldo tried to speak up in his defence, but Amethyst steamrollered all over him. "I thought we were forever!" she wailed. "My parents loved you! We were looking for an apartment together! I was calling to tell you I got my half of our couples tattoo done! Well!" She stamped her foot for emphasis. "That's it! We're over, Simon!"

"What!? But I'm not-"

Amethyst hung up before Ronaldo could finish speaking, and immediately doubled over with laughter. Lapis collapsed to the ground, wheezing in pain and even Peridot had forgotten her earlier annoyance and was cackling loudly. But Steven couldn't muster up a fake smile this time, not when he'd been the one to ruin Ronaldo's relationship with Jane. "Um, I think maybe we should stop now," he muttered, picking his phone up off the floor where Amethyst had dropped it. "I don't wanna run out of minutes."

"Well," Peridot said, composing herself, "would you like to see some of our newest morps?"

"Yes, that would be great," Steven said with relief. So for the next hour, he allowed Peridot and Lapis to show him their new art projects and plans for new crops, until Amethyst got bored and made up an excuse to leave. "We'll come back and visit soon," he promised.

Amethyst nodded. "Maybe by then, P-dot will have thought of a prank call she can manage," she teased. "Bye!"

Peridot smiled an obviously fake smile, and waited until they'd warped away before she spoke. "Well, they're going to have to make a rapid return if they wish to observe my next prank call," she said, folding her arms.

"What?" Lapis said blankly, but then she gasped as Peridot unfolded her arms and held aloft Steven's phone. "Where did you get that!?"

"Steven left it on my workbench when I was showing him the plans for an early warning satellite," she said smugly. "And now I'm going to perform a prank call that will make yours and Amethysts look like… like basic telephone enquiries!"

"You're not going to try the Angus one again, are you?" Lapis asked warily. "No offence, but that one sounded kinda boring."

"Nope!" Peridot grinned gleefully. "I have something _much_ more entertaining planned. Do you recall Steven and Amethyst telling us about that concert they attended with Pearl?"

Lapis looked intrigued and stepped closer. "Yeah… so?"

"Shh!" The little green gem held up a warning finger and tapped at the phone screen. "And listen!"

There was a click and then Pearl's cautious voice filled the air. "Er… hello? Who is this?"

"This is the Delmarva State Police Department!" Peridot replied, and Lapis gasped in delight. "We're carrying out some enquiries into an incident involving a Dondai Supremo registered to one Mr. Greg Universe on the night of the Mike Krol concert."

There was a small squeak of horror on the other end of the phone and Lapis covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. "Buh-buh- I-I mean, surely this is something you should be speaking to Greg about?" Pearl said, clearly flustered.

"We have already spoken to Mr. Universe about this matter," Peridot said, beginning to march back and forth as she got into character. "He has an alibi for the night in question and further enquiries show that you are known to him and had access to the car on the night in question. So could you please tell me what you were doing on that night?"

"Nothing! I was- doing a puzzle! It had no corners! Well, it had one corner," Pearl corrected.

"You weren't driving to Ocean Town? And running stop lights and evading an officer in pursuit?"

"Oh! Oh! Threaten her with jail!" Lapis hissed, almost bouncing with glee.

Peridot grinned and nodded in acknowledgement as Pearl spluttered on the end of the line. Unnoticed in the distance, the warp pad flashed again. "I'm sure I don't need to tell you that these are very serious crimes," she said warningly. "You could be remanded in custody- wait!" she wailed as Pearl disconnected the call. "I was going to finish by calling her Andy," she said in disappointment, ignoring Lapis as she rocked back and forth with laughter.

"Oh, it hurts!" Lapis howled. "That was incredible!"

Peridot gave the phone one last look and then allowed herself to laugh. "Heh. It was rather amusing, if I do say so myself."

"Oh I wish I could have seen her face!" Lapis laughed again at the mental image.

"Hey, did I leave my phone…" Steven trailed off and looked at the two giggling gems and his gaze dropped to the phone in Peridot's hand. He groaned, immediately guessing what had happened.

"What's up?" Amethyst stepped around him and spotted the phone as well. "Ooooh, who'd you call?"

"Puh-Puh-" Lapis tried to speak in between laughs, but quickly gave up, and Amethyst looked to Peridot for an explanation.

"It was Pearl," Peridot said proudly.

The expectant look melted off of Amethyst's face in an instant. "Whu-what?" she stammered. "What did you say?"

Peridot quickly explained the prank, utterly oblivious to Amethyst and Steven's growing horror. "-And then she hung up, which was a bit of a disappointment, because I had been planning to call her Andy at the end," she finished.

"You-you-" Amethyst took a deep breath and tried to steady her nerves. "Let me just get this straight. You called Pearl and pretended to be the _police!?_ "

"It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life," Lapis said happily. Then her eyes narrowed. "You're not laughing though. Why aren't you laughing?"

"I guess you just had to be there," she said weakly. "Right, Steven?"

"Uhhhh-huh." Steven forced his face into something vaguely resembling a smile. Thankfully he was dealing with aliens, and they seemed to accept it. "We should probably go now though," he added, and dragged Amethyst away before anything more could be said.

They walked in silence back towards the warp pad, and it wasn't until they were back in the beach house that Amethyst allowed herself to fall face-first onto the floor with a long, drawn-out moan. "Nooooooooooooo."

"What do we do!?" Steven wailed.

Amethyst raised her head and fixed him with a steely glare. " _Nothing._ We have the phone now, she can't call again."

"But Pearl-" Steven began.

"No!" Amethyst bounced back to her feet and grabbed his shoulders. "Pearl will be fine! I mean," she laughed shakily, "it's not like the police are _really_ looking for her, right? So we stay quiet and say nothing! Got it?"

Steven stared back at her for a moment, and then slowly nodded his head. "Got it."

xXxXx

_Two days later_

The warp pad chimed and when the beam of light vanished, there stood Garnet and Pearl. Steven immediately dropped his game controller and ran down the stairs to greet them. "You're back!"

"We're back!" Pearl knelt down and hugged him tightly. Then she straightened up and sighed. "Excuse me, I need to make a phone call. Do you happen to know of any good lawyers in the area?"

Steven gulped. "L-lawyers?"

"Pearl got a phone call while we were away," Garnet said in a low tone. "She's wanted by the police. I suggested she call a lawyer once we got back and arrange an appointment."

It was no good. Steven couldn't keep quiet any longer. "Amethyst taught Lapis and Peridot how to make prank calls and Peridot called you and pretended to be the police," he blurted out. Then he fled towards the front door and sprinted down the steps and across the beach. "I'm sorry I didn't stop them!"

"Whu-" Pearl's mouth dropped open as she stared after him, and then a look of immense fury appeared on her face. "AMETHYST!" she roared.

The temple door opened and Amethyst stepped out. "Heeeey, you're back!" Then she caught sight of the other gem's expression and froze. "Uhhh…"

"And just how long were you going to let me go on believing I was wanted by the police?" Pearl said coldly.

"Hey!" Amethyst protested. "It wouldn't even be a problem if you hadn't _broken the law!_ "

"This sounds like a story I want to hear," Garnet commented. Pearl and Amethyst turned to stare at her, and she smiled and stepped backwards. "But not today." And then she turned and walked out of the beach house, following Steven's path across the sand.

"Look," Amethyst said once Garnet was out of sight. "I admit, I showed Lapis and Peridot some prank calls. But they were just jokes!"

"Really?" Pearl folded her arms. "Because I can assure you, I wasn't laughing."

"That's not the point, the other ones were hilarious." It occurred to her that none of the other prank victims had laughed either, but Amethyst didn't like to dwell upon that uncomfortable thought, so she wilfully ignored it. "Anyway, the pranks were supposed to be finished! Me and Steven were back at the house when Peridot called you, it was nothing to do with us! She's the one you ought to be yelling at, not me!"

"Oooh!" Pearl spluttered with anger. "That little… I've been so worried these past two days, I could wring her neck!"

"Or…" Amethyst said slowly as a very bad idea began to take shape in her mind. "You could give her a taste of her own medicine…"

xXxXx

Pearl knocked on the door of the barn and stepped inside. "Good morning!" she trilled, looking around for her target.

There was a noise from above and she looked up to see Peridot peer over the edge of the loft. "Oh, greetings, Pearl. What brings you here today?"

"Steven told me about your plans for an early warning satellite," Pearl said, pretending she hadn't seen the smirk twitching at the corners of Peridot mouth. "I'd love to take a look."

"Of course!" Peridot replied, delighted that somebody was taking a genuine interest. She ran over to the ladder, climbed down and led Pearl over to the workbench. "I originally planned to put it in Earth's orbit, but then I thought a moon orbit might be a better plan as it would give us earlier warning. However, there is a risk that it could be spotted if any Homeworld vessels were to try and visit the Diamond base there," she monologued.

Pearl picked up the plans and gave them a cursory glance. "I don't think that will be a problem. The technology of this planet is woefully primitive, but humans have managed to achieve rudimentary space travel and as a consequence, they have begun littering the nearby galactic area with debris."

"Oh, yes." Peridot nodded. "I remember seeing that when I first arrived here. I just thought they might have cleaned it up by now." She wrinkled her nose. "They just… leave it there? That's disgusting."

Pearl sighed. "I'm afraid so. Just… try not to think about it too much. My point is, so long as you don't use any obvious gem technology, it should be camouflaged by all the human trash." She put the plans back down, and at the same time, carefully slid the burner phone she and Amethyst had purchased the day before underneath. "Well, this all looks good. How are you planning to get it into orbit, the Ruby ship?"

"Perhaps. It would mean dismantling the morp, which I would prefer not to do," Peridot admitted. "I may ask Lapis if she'd be kind enough to take it up there."

"Speaking of Lapis, where is she?" Pearl asked innocently, knowing perfectly well that Amethyst had come over ten minutes earlier and bet Lapis that she couldn't fly around the world in half-an-hour.

As expected, Peridot gestured towards the sky outside. "She's gone flying. I expect her to return shortly."

"Right. Well, thank you for showing me this." Pearl began inching back towards the doorway, eager to leave. "I have to go… leave for a, um, thing. At the temple. Very urgent."

"OK." Peridot smiled brightly. "Thank you for stopping by, and tell Steven I said 'hi'."

Once Pearl had left, she climbed back up to the loft, picked up her tablet and was just getting back into her lengthy essay on why Paulette was The Worst when a noise broke her concentration. She looked around, trying to figure out where it was coming from, finally narrowing it down to the lower level. Intrigued, she climbed down the ladder and began searching until she finally lifted up her satellite plans and found the phone. "Unknown caller," she read aloud. "Hmm. Well, I suppose I ought to find out the identity of this caller and make them known." And then she could return this strange phone to its owner, because it has obviously been left there by mistake. She tapped the screen and raised the phone to her ear. "Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG speaking, how may I assist you?"

"Aha! So, you thought you could evade us after insulting my Diamond!?"

Peridot froze. She recognised that voice. But surely, it couldn't be… "Y-Yellow Pearl?"

"That's right! And now you shall pay for-"

Peridot's brain seemed to be working at a different speed to her body. Every part of her mind screamed at her to disconnect the call before they could trace her location, but it was approximately twenty years before she dropped the phone onto her workbench, picked up a hammer and began smashing it to pieces. Then she tried to decide what to do next. If Homeworld knew she was still alive, they must have worked out that she was trying to stop the Cluster. If they sent more forces, they could disrupt its bubbled state. And of course, the more Homeworld forces that showed up, the greater risk there was that they would find out about the surviving Crystal Gems, and if the Diamonds found out about _that_ …

Logically, the only option was to take the Ruby ship, fly back to Homeworld and surrender herself at once.

xXxXx

"Twenty-seven minutes! Take that, Amethyst!" Lapis landed outside the barn and bowed theatrically. Then she straightened up and looked around. "Amethyst?" Then her eyes widened as she spotted Peridot yanking the lights off of the Ruby ship. "Peridot! Not the morp!"

"Oh! Lapis!" Peridot, looking rather frazzled, ran a hand through her hair. "I thought I had another forty-five seconds before your return. I must have forgotten to factor in an air current."

"What are you doing?" Lapis asked, scooping the lights up off the ground. "This was supposed to symbolise that time the Crystal Gems tricked the Rubies and stole their ship and left them floating through space! It's morp! You can't just destroy it!"

"I don't have time to explain! But-" Peridot sprinted back into the barn and returned a few seconds later with an envelope. "I have written a letter."

"What?" Lapis put the lights aside, took the envelope and tore it open, quickly skimming the first line.

_Dear friends, I apologise for my abrupt departure, but I knew that you would try to stop me-_

Lapis dropped the letter at once and waved her hand towards the lake. An enormous, watery hand shot up and grabbed Peridot just as she was stepping into the Ruby ship and dragged her back out into the open. "Hey!" she protested.

"Shh, I'm trying to read this," Lapis said distractedly, and held Peridot in mid-air while she continued reading.

_-if you discovered my intentions. For you see, Yellow Diamond has discovered that her attempt upon my life has failed, and she intends to remedy that. As she is unaware of your continued existence, in order to protect you from her wrath, I have flown to Homeworld to turn myself in. Steven, I leave you my shirts. Some of them may look like yours, but I assure you, this is purely a coincidence. Lapis, I leave you the other half of the barn and all my morps. Pearl, I leave you my giant robot as it is objectively better than yours. Amethyst, you may help yourself to my half of the crops. Also somebody delivered a pizza here some time ago, it may still be around somewhere. Garnet, I return leadership of the Crystal Gems to you, and also my Camp Pining Hearts DVDs and analysis as I know you will 'get' them. Thank you all for being my friends._

Lapis crumpled up the letter and stared up at her struggling barn mate in confusion. "Peridot, what is this?"

"A note explaining why I have to leave?" Peridot frowned. "Was it not obvious?"

"No!" Lapis threw up her arms in frustration and almost tossed Peridot across the cornfield. "Whoops. Sorry. No, I meant why do you think Yellow Diamond is coming for you?"

"Because Yellow Pearl called! They're coming for me! And I can't let my friends be caught in the middle, which is why I need to leave before they find out and try to stop me! They'll insist upon trying to help, and Homeworld's forces will overwhelm them and they'll all be shattered, and then Yellow Diamond will unbubble the Cluster and the Earth will be destroyed!" Peridot began to struggle again. "So are you going to release me, or not?"

"Not!" Lapis yelled. A moment later, the lid of the garbage can smacked into the back of her head and she dropped Peridot with a yelp. The other gem immediately scrambled to her feet and ran back towards the ship, but Lapis recovered quickly and imprisoned her in a bubble of water. "Wait! What do you mean, Yellow Pearl called? _How?_ " Then her gaze drifted over to the Ruby ship. "Can Homeworld contact us through _that_?"

"No! Well. Possibly." Peridot looked at the Ruby ship too, then shook her head. "But no, Yellow Pearl did not contact me through the ship, she called me on a phone I found on my workbench."

"You found…" Lapis groaned loudly. "Peridot, it was a prank call!"

"What?" Peridot stared blankly at the other gem for several seconds. "I… don't understand."

Lapis flicked her hands and dismissed the water. "Think about it logically. Yellow Diamond is so certain you're dead, she didn't even bother mentioning you to Rubies, and they're floating in space, so how did Yellow Pearl find out you survived?"

Peridot bit her lip as she considered that. "A fair point," she grudgingly admitted. "But-"

"And where did the phone come from?" Lapis continued before Peridot could. "Somebody must have planted it, but it can't have come from any Homeworld forces, because if they _did_ know you were alive, they would've just hung around and apprehended you in person. Which means it had to be somebody from Earth. And I find it deeply suspicious that this phone call took place while I just _happened_ to be flying around the world at Amethyst's suggestion."

"And while you were gone, Pearl showed up and asked to look at the plans for the early warning satellite, so she had access to my workbench," Peridot said slowly. "But I still don't understand. Prank calls are supposed to be funny. Why would any of my friends make me think Homeworld are coming for me? That's not funny at all."

"Because they're jerks," Lapis spat bitterly. "They don't stop to think about how their actions affect other people until it starts to affect them personally." The mirror popped into her head and she growled and shook it away. "I mean," she continued, "Amethyst didn't care when we were calling random humans and pretending they'd lost money or that we loved them… but then you called Pearl."

"But… it was just a _joke._ " Peridot shook her head, still not quite able to believe her friends had done something so mean to her. "I was going to call her Andy, so it seemed like I got the wrong person. It was just for fun. Amethyst _said_ they were just for fun! And if it was a problem, why didn't she say something when she was here? I would've called Pearl back and explained!"

Lapis snorted. "I just _told_ you why, they're jerks." She narrowed her eyes. "Where's the phone now? We're gonna prank 'em back. No!" Her eyes lit up and she slammed a fist into her palm. "We're gonna call the _real_ police-"

"We're not going to do any of those things," Peridot snapped. "Primarily because I smashed the phone in case it was being used to trace my location. But also because I have no desire to get entangled in some sort of 'prank war'. You'll understand when you reach season seven," she muttered darkly.

"So… what _are_ you going to do then?" Lapis asked. "You're not just going to let them get away with this, are you?"

"I don't know!" Peridot wailed. "I don't know what to do!" She took a few deep breaths to steady her nerves and then began walking back into the barn. "I need to think about this for a while."

"Okay." Lapis watched her walk away. "Do you want me to leave you alone while you do that?"

Peridot looked back over her shoulder and gave her a small, wobbly smile. "Yes please."

Lapis waited until she was out of sight, and then unfurled her wings and shot into the air. Maybe Peridot needed to think, but Lapis knew exactly what _she_ wanted to do.

A minute later she landed on the deck outside the beach house and peeped through the window, immediately spotting Amethyst and Pearl huddled together at the kitchen island, talking quietly. She flung open the door, and watched with satisfaction as they both jumped violently. "Oh, hey," Amethyst said, quickly recovering her composure and angling her body so that Pearl could discreetly slide the phone off of the counter top and into an open drawer. "Um, so how long did it take? Sorry I didn't stick around, I had stuff to do."

"Like prank call Peridot?" Lapis said dryly.

The two Crystal Gems blushed and shuffled their feet awkwardly. "She um, she worked it out then?" Pearl asked.

Lapis scoffed. "No, actually she was completely convinced you were Yellow Pearl and was utterly terrified and smashed the phone up and tried to steal the Ruby ship so she could fly to Homeworld and hand herself in. Thankfully I was able to convince her otherwise. So congrats, your prank worked perfectly. I hope you're happy." And with that, she spun on her heel and almost crashed into Steven and Garnet, who had just walked in. "Oops, excuse me."

"Wait, you're going already?" Steven asked in bewilderment. "We just saw you land."

"I'm kind of making a dramatic exit," Lapis explained, ruffling his hair. "Sorry. Gotta go."

Steven watched her walk outside and fly away, then spun back to see Pearl and Amethyst staring after her with identical expressions of shame and horror. "What?"

"We might have done a bad thing," Amethyst admitted in a small voice. She quickly outlined the situation, with a few interruptions from Pearl. "We just wanted to scare her back a little, that's all," she finished, a little defensively. "How were we supposed to know she'd overreact like that?"

"By using your brains?" Garnet said scathingly. "What did you _think_ she was going to do?"

Pearl and Amethyst exchanged guilty glances. "I suppose if I'm entirely honest, it didn't come up. We were mostly concerned with how much it would satisfy us," Pearl confessed.

"This is all my fault," Steven began, but Garnet immediately held a finger to his lips.

"No, Steven," she said sternly.

"But I encouraged them all," he protested, slightly muffled. "I didn't say anything, even when I started having second thoughts-"

"You're fourteen," Garnet interrupted. "Amethyst and Pearl - and Lapis, for that matter - are all much older than you. Certainly old enough to know better." She folded her arms and glared at her team mates from behind her shades. "But you two know perfectly well that Peridot is new. She still doesn't know a lot about Earth, so she looks to us to set an example, and it's not very nice to punish her for something you spent an entire morning telling her was funny. I thought perhaps you'd learned your lesson last time," she added pointedly, and Amethyst turned her face away in embarrassment.

"You're right," she said quietly. "I'm sorry. I just didn't want Pearl yelling at me, so I shifted the blame onto Peridot instead."

Garnet turned and stared at Pearl. "All right, I'm sorry too," Pearl said, a little reluctantly. "I was cross and I wanted Peridot to know how much her prank upset me, but that was the wrong way to do it. I should've just gone over there and talked to her."

"Yes, you should've," Garnet agreed. "So what are you waiting for?"

Pearl immediately took a step towards the warp pad, but Amethyst shot an arm out and grabbed her. "Hang on. I have an idea."

xXxXx

An hour later, Pearl and Amethyst stepped off the warp pad and began to approach the barn. But before they could enter, Lapis suddenly landed in front of them, barring the way. "What are _you_ doing here?" she asked rudely.

"We've come to apologise to Peridot," Pearl said at once.

"We've brought a present," Amethyst added, holding up a gift-wrapped box.

Lapis glared at them both for a moment longer, then stepped aside. "Fine. I suppose you can come in. She's up on the loft, brooding."

"Thank you," Pearl said politely.

They walked inside and immediately jumped up onto the upper level, landing just in front of Peridot, who had already climbed to her feet to come and investigate the voices. "Oh. Hello. What do you want?" she said warily.

"We're sorry about the prank call," Amethyst said. "It was mean of us, we should've just told you there was a problem."

"Your prank call upset me," Pearl added. "But I should've known better than to do the same thing in return."

"But I gotta admit," Amethyst interjected, "I'm impressed that your first response was to try and hand yourself over to Yellow Diamond!" She clapped the other gem on the back and almost knocked her over. "Seriously though, if she ever does come looking for you, we'll all be fighting for you, OK?"

"Um, OK." Peridot stepped back and rubbed her shoulder. "Well, I accept your apologies-"

"Oh!" Pearl snapped her fingers and grabbed the present from Amethyst. "We also got you a gift. It doesn't make up for what we did, but I hope you appreciate it anyway."

"Wow. Thanks." Peridot tore off the wrapping and frowned at the contents in confusion. "It's… another phone?"

"We sold some of the trash in my room to buy 'em," Amethyst explained. "You like all that tech stuff, and as a member of the Crystal Gems, it just seemed sensible to give you a way to easily keep in touch. Now if there's a mission, we can just call you and ask you to come along."

"We do request that you refrain from making any prank calls on it though," Pearl hurriedly added.

Amethyst began to grin. "Well… there is _one_ prank you can do with it… and I promise you, it's completely harmless this time."

xXxXx

_beep beep_

Steven picked up his phone and tapped the message notification. " _Dear Steven_ ," he read aloud. " _I saw this Crying Breakfast Friends analysis video and thought you might find it interesting. Peridot._ Aww, that's nice!"

He tapped the link and waited patiently for TubeTube to open. And then his face fell as the video began to play. "Not again!"

_We're no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I, a full commitment's what I'm thinking of, you wouldn't get this from any other guy._

_I just want to tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand…_

_Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you…_

-FIN-

**Author's Note:**

> Small note to end with - Deedee Magno-Hall, Pearl's voice actress, actually voices all of the Pearls we've seen so far, which is why Pearl was able to mimic Yellow Pearl so easily. And the picture, once again, is the FF.net cover art. While I do appreciate being able to actually add nice, big illustrations into the text, I kinda wish we could add cover art too. Ah well.


End file.
